Bach's Mind

I feel Bach was troubled a lot by his mind. But he knew to take care of it. Maybe... Nobody would make music like that if everything was fine.

Maybe if Bach had a comp and cubase... i feel you could imagine him sitting before cubase and just weeping. Sometimes silently. Sometimes he would just cry a bit loud, repeating "God" "God". Its not his pain always. It was others most often. And gratitude too... Gratitude to The Existence that made someone invent Harpsichord.

His sons and daughters could be either way. They could have been complaining about his not making enough money. They might not have known about early childhood affecting them and stuff... I don't know if it was Freud or Jung or Adler or... isn't there a snake by the name Addler or something? Cool it is... I would like to have some such name... Adler means eagle in german. Eagler. I like irish names too... those spellings... Like the one of my elder sister Neithne Ní Dhraonáin... they pronounce it something like Nenya... she made it rather good in the movie industry. I will right her a mail someday. *write.

She might reply, though she is damn busy. Nice of her... if you think about it. Aa... sons and maybe daughters. I would like to believe they loved their father and showed it too... that his wife used to cook nice food for him... different food different days... be right back. Gotta eat something…

aa i'm back...
There is something good about not knowing other kids when you are young. So that you won't really know if you had a decent childhood ornot. You should talk to kids. But you shouldn't be a difficult kid asking whether they stayed with their relatives or parents and things like that. I mean everybody has their own problems. Even grown ups have their problems. A kid got to understand that. They might love you and all. But they have their limitations... I learnt to use that word since my grandmother used it that day... She died of Alzheimers. I felt it difficult going near her after she got that disease... Limitation is a nice little word. A bit longer but its actually a nice word. i like the ”t”. You can feel your tongue that way.

This subconscious is crazy. I know its a package, but... You know what i have been thinking at the back of my mind? Back of my mind. Its nice... aa. I mean its just not bipolar disorder or depression that makes you want to eat even when you are not really hungry. If you like puttu kadala, you eat it. I mean… ok, you may know that. You have depression and stuff. But you can eat something you like when you feel like. Anyway you don't get puttu kadala daily, do you? I don't. It cannot be Adler, i feel. He is eagle, you remember. He can catch his prey anytime. Just a little joke.

You may get fat if you eat a lot. But i don't. The food is good. So i don't get fat. But i feel sad when i see a girl and you know that she thinks she is ugly. I mean, nobody is so good or anything that somebody else should walk around like an apology.

We have always liked the idea of having an elder sister. Me and my l'lle sister. She liked it when I told her once about our elder sister in Kuwait. She is a doctor there. Nice doctor. I mean she looks good in her coat and all that. Patients do feel good when their doctor looks good in her coat. No doctor is ugly. You know that right. Actually nobody is ugly and all tha… My l'lle sister liked it too. She even started telling the story to me. As if she almost believed it. I got a bit scared. Maybe its because we HAD an elder sister. But she didn't like this place. I mean most people don't, to be honest. So she quit. She was almost 17 then. Mother didn't like the idea. I mean no mother really likes it. Most mothers. But she was alright after some time.

I live alone. For quite some time now. L'lle sister is fine. Her husband is a very nice person. Takes nice care of her. Helps her in the kitchen and all that. Kids too. They won't have any early childhood problems. Freud died anyway. I wouldn't want to talk to him, anyway, if you ask me. I cook. Food is good. Sure. Lady next door brought my puttu kadala today. She is a malayali. Sons all NRIs. Except one. He stays at home and keeps drawing pictures. He is good at that. I mean he is gifted. And all that. But Bach had better food. I really feel so. Atleast hope so. Different food different days. I will go meditate. Its nice. Keeps you centred. Really centred. A bit centred, to tell you the truth. Took some time, though.

Shunyam

You can send your cheques to Happy Care For The Old. We still take care of that place though Kunjamma had to leave. Longer than usual for that cancer…